thursday?

I think it's Thursday. I kind of lost track of days. Part of it was the narcotics, part of it was just pulling away from life. I suppose I have to get back into the swing of things. I don't want to, but I need to.

What I've learned this week: Mason likes Fruit Loops..

I've been fighting with our car insurance company for two weeks now. I tried to pay them on time, but I had put the wrong account number in. So then I called with the right account number and THEY put the wrong account number in. Two cancellation notices later, we are still trying to get this fixed. Irritating? Yes! Am I going to change auto insurers, no.

How are Derek and I doing? Frustrated, sad, confused, lost. I'm the one who's mostly lost. the rest covers both of us. How do you answer when people ask how you are doing? I'm angry at God, I want to be left alone, I'm on the verge of tears any time you mentione it? It's hard, becuase you can't say those things, or fall apart every five minutes. You can't really say, just don't ask. You know it's becuase people care, but when you hurt, you aren't so good at being polite. Not that I have ever been good at being polite, but it's worse right now.

Mason is ready to go night night, so I guess I should go.

And the answer is

We lost the baby. Not due to the amniocentesis, but sometime between last Friday and this Friday, Shane died. Derek and I are both rpetty shaken up. For right now, they have me prety doped up since they did surgery yesterday.

4/21/06

I go in for my amniocentesis today. Unfortunately, it takes two weeks to get the results back. They can also do a test which is not conclusive but gives a pretty good idea of whether the baby has Down's Syndrome or not. That one takes 2-4 days. We felt it was improtant to do the amniocentesis, even though there is a slight risk of miscarriage. If we know we can be prepared. So far, the results from the two screening tests are mixed, so we don't have a clear picture of what's going on. As things stand now, we have a 1:42 or 1:56 chance of our baby (Shane, it's definitely a boy) having Down's. THose are pretty high odds for someone with my age and history.

My biggest problem is having a REALLY LONG needle stuck into my abdomen near the baby. Did I mention he's an exhibitionist? A lot like his brother. Why me?

Shane is starting to make his presence known. Not a lot, but every once in a while I am almost positive he's moving. I'm 18 weeks now, so it's the right time to start feeling him kick. I just hope he lays off my nerves.

Yesterday was a bit rough for me. A co-worker who was 7 weeks along lost her baby. It reminded me of my last miscarriage. She was having an ultrasound and they couldn't find the heartbeat, even though they could last week. She's devastated. I know the feeling. There's nothing I or anyone can say to help.

Derek i splanning to have surgery on his knee at the end of May. They are going to repair his ACL, so he will be out for a few weeks. Well, not really out, but on crutches. That won't be much fun for any of us.

Mason has some kind of bacterial skin infection. Don't know where he picked it up, but he should be over it by the time he starts daycare next week. He seemed to like the daycare people, so I expect he will be happy.

Alexis started soccer this week. The games are on Sundays so that's not too bad. We haven't hear about the softball yet, but I expect it starts in June or so. She says she likes soccer so far, even though it was a LOT of running.

Mercedes will start t-ball in June. We chose not to put her in soccer since she acted up so much last year. We are hoping she does better with t-ball. We are also taking her out of gymnastics since she doesn't seem to care one way or another. She has asked to go to swimming lessons so we will start back into those after t-ball.

And that's the quick and dirty on our lives.

Let's walk through this together.

I work. Supposedly full-time. I'm pregnant (16 weeks). I support a husband who is supposed to be the house-spouse and 3 (soon to be 4) kids. Why is it then, that my spouse seems to act like he's doing EVERYTHING and every little thing he does is just so freaking huge? I get that he is in school full-time, I do. But rather than use his time wisely, he's always waiting until the last minute, or putting things off. I get the arthritis thing, I really do, but for SOME reason, that never stops him from doing the FUN stuff. And the whole temper thing? Get over it! If you are going to stay up until 2 in the mornng, then be aware you are gonoing to have to get up and get the kids ready whether you feel like it or not, so don't growl at them. AND, if you are going to stay up that late-TURN the freaking TV off and do some hosuework instead of sitting aorund, then complaining later about never having time to get things done. AND STOP minimizing my feelings, both physical and emotional. I get that as a man, no one can ever feel nearly as bad as you, but get over yourself.

Yes, I am ranting, no, you don't need to respond, I just needed to get that off my chest. I've been (deathly ?) ill since Friday. On Saturday I got to visit the ER (temp of 100.7). On Sunday I probably should have visited the ER, but was too stubborn. My temperature was 102.1 to 99.4, depending on if the Tylenol was working. Oh, it was a lovely day, not. I went to the doctor Monday - no temperature. Nice, huh. However, I was finally given something to make the headache go away. Bliss - sheer bliss. Now I am just compeltely exhausted. Today is day 3 of staying at ome trying to sleep (between phone calls, Derek, and children).

I am hoping this illness has not hurt baby, but the temperatures were pretty high and I am just now eating and drinking enough again.I don't think there's anything wrong, but I am slightly neurotic where the baby is concerned. Right now, I am going to go back to bed and pass out for two hours. Jealous? Don't be, it comes with a sore throat, coughing, headache, body aches, and assorted other miseries. Be happy you can function.